Lost
by Amicus Humani Generis
Summary: Insanity's a funny thing, isn't it?


_Title: Lost  
Summary: Insanity's a funny thing, isn't it?  
Pairings: pretty strongly implied/obvious SasuSaku  
Comments: Go to WebMD's symptom checker and check off all the symptoms you think Sasuke has (irrational anger, violent mood swings, etc.). Now look at all the potential diseases that pop up. Sometimes I don't know if Kishi's aware of how much Sasuke desperately needs a therapist…_

* * *

It's so easy to push all thoughts from your mind. Fight, survive, eliminate the target. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't think about anything except finding and eliminating your target. Don't think about how you're pretty much spitting on your brother's grave and tearing down everything he gave his life to build.

Even after the target is dead, you don't feel anything – not until _she_ arrives. What is she doing here, you wonder? Why is she here at all? "I want to join you," she says, occasionally staring down at the dying girl by your feet. It was the same thing she said when you left, and you want to believe her so badly, it's driving you crazy, but you know she's insincere. She's too tense, she's clutching her kunai too tightly, and those green eyes in which you found comfort and solace even when you two were apart are too cold and rigid.

_What does she think she's doing she shouldn't be here why did she change the village got her too…_

**Traitor. Just like the rest of them.**

And then you hear a voice instruct her to prove her loyalty by killing Karin – _Karin… why is she bleeding why couldn't I save her why couldn't she just stay out of it what happened…_ The voice shouldn't be yours; it's too cold and emotionless and cruel. But it is, and you want to stop but then you see Sakura turning her back to you, clutching her kunai and staring down at Karin.

It's little things that clue you in on what she's about to do – her too-stiff movements, the fact that you can barely read her at all when you used to be able to read her like an open book, the way her weight shifts from one foot to the other. There's a voice in your head, and it takes you some time to realize that it's yours from when you were a child.

_No this isn't Sakura Danzo got her the village got her this isn't her they sent her to kill me where is Sakura what did they do to her why Itachi why…_

And then there's another voice – the same as that cold, emotionless one you apparently used.

**Kill her. Kill her now.**

She spins around, ready to plunge her kunai into you, and then you ready an attack of your own. She hesitates, you don't, and all it takes is Naruto's dramatic entry to keep you from killing her. He looks angry, she looks shocked and hurt, but you know that she's _not Sakura_ because the _real_ Sakura wouldn't deceive you and she wouldn't try to kill her and _they should be trying to bring me back not kill me why is she doing this I thought we were a team…_ When Kakashi arrives, you finally lose it.

_Why are they trying to kill me I don't want to die I just want things to go back to the way they were—_

**They're Konoha. They're from that wretched village that destroyed the Uchiha! They killed Itachi, and—**

_No I should have stayed I shouldn't have left if I didn't then none of this would be happening—_

**They should die for what they did! They should burn in Amaterasu for all eternity for what they made Itachi do!**

All you want is to break down and cry, but instead you laugh. A part of you is still angry, but the other part feels alone and scared. In the end, the angry part wins, but you can't help but wonder if things would be different if the scared part surfaced. Maybe they'd stop and actually try to help you. Maybe they'd stop trying to kill you. Maybe things really would to back to the way they were.

And they all stare at you cold and impassively, as if someone snatched away the person they knew and left you in said person's place. It's almost as if you're watching the scene unfold from above, as you charge towards Naruto with a basic Chidori, and he charges towards you with his Rasengan.

Madara shows up soon afterward, and you cling to him because you have no one else to cling to.

**Yes. I can finally get out of here.**

_No I want to go home let me go home why do they hate me I want to go home…_

Once you're finally away from your old team, you hear the angry you ordering Madara to give you Itachi's eyes so you can get the Mangekyou Sharingan, and the angry part of you is thrilled about the new power that awaits while the scared part of you just wants to go back to Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi and apologize and go home with them.

It takes months for you to fully recover from the procedure, and now the angry part is dominant. It leads you to the war that apparently started while you were out, and you wander the earth aimlessly, cutting down everything in your path. It isn't until you see Itachi (you have to cut yourself with a kunai to make sure you're not dreaming) that everything comes to a standstill.

You follow him, and for once he lets you, and then as you team up with your brother to fight Kabuto, you feel content for the first time in so, so long. It's strange and foreign, but as the angry part fights it, the scared part embraces it.

**Nii-san doesn't agree. Konoha will pay for what they did!**

_Nii-san's here everything's going to be okay everything will go back to normal…_

But all good things must come to an end as you – both parts of you – are painfully aware, and as soon as Kabuto is dead, Itachi starts disappearing. Both parts of you are completely unprepared when your brother hugs you tightly for the first time in almost eight years, and he says softly, gently: "I will always love you."

You don't know when it was, but sometime after Kabuto died, but before Itachi disappeared completely, the angry part of you disappeared entirely. Now you're all alone, and you sink to your knees in both physical and mental exhaustion. You don't know how long it is before you feel a familiar chakra signature approach you from behind. You panic and you start hyperventilating, but you can't bring yourself to draw a weapon to defend yourself.

_She's going to kill me she's going to finish what she started at the Land of Iron I screwed up I should never have left—_

"Sasuke-kun?"

Maybe it's the way her voice sounded – just like it did before he left Konoha – or maybe it's all the pressure and grief suffocating you and overwhelming you, but before she can say another word, you break down sobbing. You don't care that you haven't cried in front of anyone but your mother and your brother, or about how ridiculous you probably look right now, but you _do_ care when she sits down in front of you and hugs you. "I'm sorry," you say in between sobs and hiccups. "I'm so sorry." Because Sakura has always been there for you, no matter what you did to her or how much you hurt her, and it isn't until now that you admit that you need her just as much, if not more than she needs you.

And she pats your back and whispers: "Shh… It's okay… It's all over now."

And now you don't feel so scared anymore, and after seconds, minutes, hours (you can't tell how long it's been) of Sakura consoling you and _forgiving_ you, you're finally happy.


End file.
